Maxwell, Pam & Heather

Heather’s Hit List- The Academy Awards
Heather’s Hit List- The Academy Awards

The Academy Awards are this Sunday, and we’ve had plenty of practice leading up to the big night. In fact, the “award show season” on TV runs all year long. We’ve got the Emmys, the Tonys, the Golden Globes, the People’s Choice awards, the SAG Awards, American Music Awards, the Miley Cyrus/MTV Video Music Awards, the Country Music Awards, the Miss America Pageant, The Billboard Music Awards, the ESPYs, the YouTube Music Awards, the Hall of Game Awards, the American Humane Association Hero Dog Awards….(all real) we are inundated with awards shows all the time and on every channel.

You’d think with all those elaborate productions, we’d be better at putting them on. Instead, awards shows seem to be one bumbling travesty after another…like cringing in embarrassment at the hosts (Anne Hathaway and James Franco…DISASTER!! Ricky Gervais…YIKES)

There’s that moment you realize you could time an award recipient’s trip to the stage with a calendar. (poor Jacqueline Bisset).

Hey, it’s time for a nap as they give away 5 awards in a row no one cares about except the people getting them. (Is there anything more awkward than listening to the winner of the foreign film awards?)

There’s the star who gets on stage, clutches their trophy, and you can literally watch their mind empty like someone pushed control, alt,delete. Forget forgetting who they should thank, sometimes it looks like they can’t remember where they are or what they did to get there.

And don’t even get me started with the hours long shows BEFORE the hours long awards shows that focus on the fashion and the arrivals. E! actually has a manicure cam! OMG, WHO are you wearing? Please TELL ME about your pre-show diet! Oh, it’s FREEZING in Southern California, fans and the stars have had to deal with temperatures dipping into the 50’s, can you believe it??

Please, Academy Awards and Ellen Degeneres and movie stars, let’s team up and make some awards show magic. Ellen, I think you’ll be fine, just remember it’s not all about you. And be really sure the subject of your jokes is okay with you kidding around, so we’re not treated with a celebrity giving you a death stare from the front row.

Stars, you have a one in five chance of winning an Oscar. Please stop pretending you’re a Powerball winner. Prepare a speech for the time allotted and deliver it like FedEx. We don’t want you to forget to thank your husband or get cut off by the orchestra either. Oh, and wear something appropriate for the occasion. The Oscars aren’t the time to experiment with double sided tape, or going braless, or showing up looking homeless because you’re “preparing for a role”.

And awards show producers. Let’s make sure a slightly drunk, disheveled and caught by surprise Jacqueline Bissett doesn’t need a map and a GPS system to find the stage. Stop with the reaction shots from so-and-so’s ex. It’s okay to acknowledge the winner of best soundtrack in a foreign documentary doesn’t need as much time as the winner for Best Actress. And if you’re going to be rude enough to cue the orchestra over the end of a speech, let’s go all the way and cut their mic and go to commercial. I need the show to end on time, I have to get up early!

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About Maxwell Maxwell is celebrating 34 years in radio with more than 25 years "On-The-Air" in Des Moines! His familiar voice & face grace local, regional and national radio and TV advertising, and his passion for theater has been displayed as both actor and director at Stagewest Theater Company and the Playhouse in Des Moines, where he was honored with a 2012 Playhouse "Legend" Award. He is an avid hockey fan, manning the microphone for 18 seasons as P.A. announcer for the Des Moines Buccaneers. Email Maxwell

About Pam Pam Dixon has been a familiar voice to central Iowans for over 30 years. A Beaverdale native & Hoover High graduate, Pam has to pinch herself that she’s working for the radio station she grew up listening to in Des Moines! Pam was formerly heard on KRNQ (Q-102) and KLYF in the 80’s and 90’s before being lured back to the biz by KIOA! As a breast cancer survivor, Pam is active with the Susan G. Komen Iowa Foundation and Bras for the Cause. Email Pam

About Heather Heather Burnside's quest to be on every radio & TV station in Des Moines has (hopefully!) come to an end with her latest stop at KIOA. Heather started at WHO-TV as a sportscaster, moved on to ESPN as an associate producer, and got into radio when she moved back to Iowa after two years of stalking celebrities and athletes on the East Coast. She doesn't want to talk about how she’s old enough to have a 20 year broadcasting career, instead preferring to believe she’s managed to cram all of that excitement & a 13 year radio career into one decade. Heather is very glad Pam is back, she’s like the big sister she never had. After discovering Max is a nice guy who can cook, sing, play guitar, & hit a golf ball a mile, she figures it’ll take that long to find something he isn't good at. Email Heather