The Academy Awards are this Sunday, and we’ve had plenty of practice leading up to the big night. In fact, the “award show season” on TV runs all year long. We’ve got the Emmys, the Tonys, the Golden Globes, the People’s Choice awards, the SAG Awards, American Music Awards, the Miley Cyrus/MTV Video Music Awards, the Country Music Awards, the Miss America Pageant, The Billboard Music Awards, the ESPYs, the YouTube Music Awards, the Hall of Game Awards, the American Humane Association Hero Dog Awards….(all real) we are inundated with awards shows all the time and on every channel.
You’d think with all those elaborate productions, we’d be better at putting them on. Instead, awards shows seem to be one bumbling travesty after another…like cringing in embarrassment at the hosts (Anne Hathaway and James Franco…DISASTER!! Ricky Gervais…YIKES)
There’s that moment you realize you could time an award recipient’s trip to the stage with a calendar. (poor Jacqueline Bisset).
Hey, it’s time for a nap as they give away 5 awards in a row no one cares about except the people getting them. (Is there anything more awkward than listening to the winner of the foreign film awards?)
There’s the star who gets on stage, clutches their trophy, and you can literally watch their mind empty like someone pushed control, alt,delete. Forget forgetting who they should thank, sometimes it looks like they can’t remember where they are or what they did to get there.
And don’t even get me started with the hours long shows BEFORE the hours long awards shows that focus on the fashion and the arrivals. E! actually has a manicure cam! OMG, WHO are you wearing? Please TELL ME about your pre-show diet! Oh, it’s FREEZING in Southern California, fans and the stars have had to deal with temperatures dipping into the 50’s, can you believe it??
Please, Academy Awards and Ellen Degeneres and movie stars, let’s team up and make some awards show magic. Ellen, I think you’ll be fine, just remember it’s not all about you. And be really sure the subject of your jokes is okay with you kidding around, so we’re not treated with a celebrity giving you a death stare from the front row.
Stars, you have a one in five chance of winning an Oscar. Please stop pretending you’re a Powerball winner. Prepare a speech for the time allotted and deliver it like FedEx. We don’t want you to forget to thank your husband or get cut off by the orchestra either. Oh, and wear something appropriate for the occasion. The Oscars aren’t the time to experiment with double sided tape, or going braless, or showing up looking homeless because you’re “preparing for a role”.
And awards show producers. Let’s make sure a slightly drunk, disheveled and caught by surprise Jacqueline Bissett doesn’t need a map and a GPS system to find the stage. Stop with the reaction shots from so-and-so’s ex. It’s okay to acknowledge the winner of best soundtrack in a foreign documentary doesn’t need as much time as the winner for Best Actress. And if you’re going to be rude enough to cue the orchestra over the end of a speech, let’s go all the way and cut their mic and go to commercial. I need the show to end on time, I have to get up early!